Now that Melkiades and I were on a good footing, I asked him about a private issue that I've wondered about for all my life: the issue of fidelity.
My life has been marked profoundly by this question. For various reasons, my father had a number of love affairs with women other than my mother. My mother was intensely aware of these events, and so I grew up in a very embittered family. Disagreements, arguments and an icy silence were common in our home life, right till I left the family at age 19. Eventually, when I was 31, my parents divorced – largely over this issue. Although both of them have lived memorable and in part brilliant lives, their lives were also profoundly marked by this issue.
Myself I fell into a similar pattern early on. In my twenties, I had a string of transitional, and often overlapping sexual relationships. That ended thirty years ago, and since then I have kept my physical relationships straight: few, long-term and not overlapping. At the same time, the issue has never left me entirely. About a decade ago, a long-term relationship broke up because my partner “wished for more freedom”, particularly with her German teacher. Also every once in a while, I still feel emotionally attracted to someone outside my long-term partnership. The last thirty years, I have never acted on these impulses, but I have mulled a long time over this issue. Is it right or is it wrong?
This summer I wanted a clean answer from my Higher Self about these questions. How do entities familiar with 5th-dimensional concepts deal with these issues? What can they suggest to us about sexual fidelity and about attractions outside of the established couple? The answers came back, piece by piece, and here is what I got. The answer turned out to be surprising yet entirely clear. They provided a finite response to my insistent questioning.
Time for change
Ascension is a time of rapid change. There is no time for beating our heads against a wall while defending dogmas. We understand the large variations that exist in human existence, we concentrate on essential concepts and we accept intelligent compromises. There is no sense in fiercely defending non-essential cultural and religious principles – that would only waste our energies while we're rapidly moving into a new sphere of understanding.
Many aspects of life change at this time: how to make a living, how to effect political change, what to eat and how to do healing. So it comes as no surprise that we also see changes in sexual behaviour. How we behave sexually gives a clear indication of our deepest psychological and sociological state.
Nearly everyone says that their sexual life is different from the way their parents lived their private lives. Some wish for more sexual liberty, some others for less, some look for more "love" and less "sex" in their relationships, and many make a strong point of refusing dominance, violence and exploitation. Many choose a homosexual or even an asexual lifestyle. No doubt, sex has evolved far from the post-war period where one didn't talk openly about sex and just went ahead to “produce the next generation”.
Sexuality is so personal that no adolescent or adult can entirely avoid the issue, including monks and nuns in sexually abstaining religions. Sex is profoundly part of our human nature. So we must make intelligent and tolerant decisions about sex. We make choices for ourselves and we develop a conception for a future society. What do we take along and what can we leave behind? Take along the porno collection into the fifth dimension? Live in a lesbian world and reproduce by insemination? Go back to the Middle Ages and the era of chastity belts? Or do we want “free sex”, like so many sports stars and politicians? Behind every option hides a psychological and social model. As we see ourselves sexually, we fundamentally conceive of our existence as human beings.
Melkiades gives me two filters
Melkiades gave me a number of indications to find my way through these issues. There turned out to be two major filters that I needed to apply to my thinking: first, the tolerance filter and second, a filter for a clear distinction between third- and fifth-dimensional sexual experiences. Once I applied the two filters, everything fell into place, and all my confusion disappeared.
What follows applies only to mature adults. Sexual issues lie on entirely different levels for children and adolescents. Perhaps some other time in these pages, I should take up the issues of sexuality at younger ages.
So let's apply the two filters to adult sexual experience.
First, the tolerance and acceptance filter. Positive emotions, patience, tolerance and acceptance of others are the basis of a good and joyful social environment. This is the central lesson in our ascension from the third to the fifth dimension. Tolerance forms the basis of good social interactions, and it's also the point of issue for the answer about fidelity. A filter contains a white list, elements that we accept, and a black list, elements that we refuse. I've had to learn to accept and tolerate homosexuality, pornography, sexual abstention and voluntary consentual polyamory. On my black list figure force, violence and exploitation.
Let's have a quick look at my white list.
I don't share homosexual inclinations and still feel surprised to see two men kissing or two women cuddling with strong sexual overtones. I know this is not “me” in any sense. However I understand that others feel otherwise and as long as no major harm arises, I can learn to live alongside of this alternative life style.
I also accept that others may want to participate in pornographic videos, although I strongly wish that these participations be truly voluntary and be made in humanly acceptable conditions (which according to many reports is frequently not the case). What I'm concerned, public sexual self-exposure doesn't interest me in the least. I also find that by far most pornography misses the true story of love and understanding, which in my experience represents the most powerful inspiration behind sexual encounters.
I can also accept sexual abstention, although it is clearly not my personal preference. Some people (according to some studies, some 5% of the population) are simply not interested in sex. The interest in sex also declines frequently with age or while waiting for a suitable long-term partner. Others have given vows of abstention when joining religious groups. I personally think that long-term abstention in a sexually capable person avoids issues that nature imposes on us and that we should learn to resolve. Recent events in the Roman Catholic church have shown that religious abstinence can regularly lead to sexual abuse of children and adolescents; so my tolerance of sexual abstention is tied to questions about an adherent's real psychological capacity for such a challenging life style. Would you climb Mt. Everest if you had no mountaineering experience? Do you really want to sidestep your deepest human needs and risk that it “slips out from under you” and causes deeply destructive aggressions in other people's lives? However ultimately, I have no right to disagree with an adult person's reflected decision when they choose abstention temporarily or long-term.
Finally, I can accept that others may wish to share their sexual lives with two or more simultaneous partners, when this would not be the case for me.
The acceptance of these four sexual life-style choices avoids useless discussions and opens the door for more important ascension issues. It focuses the filter on rejecting truly destructive sexual interactions involving excessive dominance, violence and exploitation. That's where we need to apply the strongest social pressure.
The second filter: 3rd and 5th dimensional experience
The first filter concerns the sexual behaviour of others, and it defines our social norms. The second filter concerns our own experiences, which is really much more central to the ascension process: How do I live my own, personal sexuality? This second filter closes in on an answer to our question of fidelity.
The central element to understand here is that sex is very different in the third and fifth dimensions. Sorry for simplifying this a bit, but the best definition I can come up with is that sex in the third dimension involves, consciously or subconsciously, various levels of power and/or need and/or dominance. Sex at the 5th dimension is a sharing of love. The first is based on taking or needing to take, the second is based on sharing or wishing to give.
At the negative end of things, 3D "taking" love turns into pressure and dominance. A medieval warrior who returns to his princess and opens the chastity belt practiced cruel sexual power and dominance. Similarly, a modern buyer of sex services exploits the power of his money to buy physical sex. Even an insistent boy friend who is primarily or exclusively oriented towards the satisfaction of his own desires is marked by dominance and exploitation. There is no giving, only "taking" and "collecting". Other examples are relationships founded on conscious or subconscious wishes for greater economic or social advantage. This is unfortunately quite typical for the sexual motivations of the 3rd dimension.
An emotional ping-pong
In the 5th dimension on the other hand, sexual motivation starts with the heart, attention, and emotion, and with that elusive quality we call love. Two people gently evolve towards a deep sharing and an emotional joining of their essential being. A sort of emotional ping-pong evolves in the 5th dimension: we see how an emotion affects the other person, and the other person sees the same in us. This starts delightful interchanges that give ever greater satisfaction as we feel understood, stimulated and supported.
In the 5th dimension we can take this emotion into many directions, it can grow and wane spontaneously. Sharing a deepening emotion is a gentle form of 5th-dimensional sex. Since the 5th dimension has no physical sexual realization, allowing ourselves to merge and join emotionally is “all the sex there is” on the 5th dimension. However if this is done in a total abandonment, it is an incredible experience and a very powerful bond between two people.
An ideal long-term relationship
The glorious fact is that we have both 3D bodies as well as access to 5D capacities. We can use 5D sexual joy to transform our physical 3D sex into a new and most powerful combined 3D-5D experience. When the excitement mounts, the faces show the sheer pleasure, tongues and lips encounter each other, the hands follow and reinforce the sexual parts of the other, and finally, when nature spontaneously opens the doors, interpenetration occurs. Everything comes naturally, spontaneously, from the heart and with love. Love that flows is the key in the 3D event inspired by the 5th dimension, not desire that imposes, and never force or overwhelming dominance.
In the realm of the fifth dimension, love can become total. In 5D, we need not be concerned with the physical aspects of the body, survival or competition. All those aspects are taken care of in 5D. There is no competition, unless we stupidly create it with our imagination. There is no need for food and resources, all is there if we need it. We need far less help, and assistance is available from all sides. So the motivations for relationships aren't need, help and necessity, but a spontaneous gathering of understanding, sharing and caring, if you like, a cumulation of love.
This is what ascension brings to our sexual lives. We may have started our long-term relationship for simple 3D reasons. We may have formed a couple or a family to assure stability in a hostile 3D world. We may have made sure that there is at least one stable person available to us all the time, especially to help with nurturing and educating children, to ensure an adequate income and for cases of disease and disability. Nature has given us natural intuitions to try and form couples and families, and we pursue these inborn programs spontaneously.
But our deepest psychological need extends to more than all that. It is emotional availability, the real key to a satisfactory long-term relationship. The most important thing to us is that the partner be present, helpful and full of understanding when the need occurs. Also it is this resonant (“ping-pong”) understanding of the partner that brings the greatest happiness to our relationships through 5D sex.
So what causes infidelity?
So far so good. I understood these various aspects of 3D and 5D sex. The explanations I received from my Higher Self in dreams and in experiences were clear, but at the same time, they still didn't answer the initial question on fidelity. Given the high cost of infidelity, what brings it about?
Let's begin by shedding the illusion that infidelity is "not really a problem". An online questionnaire of 918 self-identified heterosexual men and women centered in the U.S. found that 23% of men and 19% of women have experienced a relationship outside of their current long-term relationship, that is, they "engaged in sexual interactions with someone other than their partner that could jeopardize, or hurt, their relationship"1. Other studies show that this percentage could be higher or lower depending on how the question is asked and how infidelity is defined: in the presence or not of the long-term partner, the span of time covered by the report, etc. Even though the frequency varies as a result of many cultural and psychological variables, infidelity is sufficiently pervasive in the world's cultures to worry about it. It even exists in societies where it is punishable with death by stoning.
Part of the answer to "why" lies in the opportunities. Sports idols, film stars, and popular music performers show and tell us that during their time away from home, the opportunities for infidelity can multiply to phenomenal levels. After every concert, Elvis Presley was beleguered by highly willing sexual partners, a fairly common pattern in high-profile public activity. The greater the perceived status, the more frequent are the opportunities. Curiosity, novelty, status-seeking and the like fuel such pursuits. Also, strong moments in sports or in the performing arts are often followed by important psychological low points where the attentions of the other sex are particularly welcome.
But opportunities and momentary low points cannot explain all. Even daily experience can feed into infidelity.
Infidelity feeds on deeper needs. In the same online study cited above, cheaters and non-cheaters alike signaled substantial sexual and emotional dissatisfaction. Sexual dissatisfaction was noted by well over half of "cheating" men, and by about half of "cheating" women. Even non-cheaters expressed sexual dissatisfaction: close to half of the women and about a third of the men. Those are substantial numbers. The result was reflected in the responses about emotional dissatisfaction. Well over 40% of the cheaters of both sexes indicated unhappiness about their relationship, and well over 20% of non-cheaters were unhappy about their relationship. Even when cultural and questionnaire-related issues are taken into consideration, the degree of unhappiness feeding into infidelity cannot be underestimated.
So how does such great dissatisfaction come about?
It's a common experience to be well understood by someone outside the couple, but not be quite as well understood by one's long-term partner. This often comes about because a partner may not share the same experiences as two colleagues at work, or because one spends more time at work than at home, or because one might have lost interest in what the partner experiences. 5th-dimensional emotional relationships can then develop outside of the long-term relationship. This is often called “emotional infidelity”, and it is frequently the beginning of a long-term love affair.
So the question is, are these emotional relationships healthy, and can they promote good relations within the couple?
I asked Melkiades, and he suggested that I was confusing two states. To resolve this issue we must understand the difference between 3rd and 5th dimensional sexual-emotional relationships. Let's analyze step by step the probable events leading up to an infidelity.
This is how it happens
In the reality of the third dimension lived every day, everything has its limits. We only have so much time together, children often impose considerable time demands, and as a concrete consequence, complete understanding within the couple is in fact quite infrequent.
So it comes natural to form bonds of understanding outside of our long-term couple. Women often have woman-friends who understand and sympathize more spontaneously than do men. Men gravitate naturally towards male-female interactions. Small comments at work become flirts, and flirts can become more serious emotional and sometimes sexual relationships. This is the most frequent path towards infidelity.
Ascension is no help, on the contrary. As we ascend, 5th-dimensional love, caring and sexual emotion hit us full blast. Interactions with many other 5th-dimensional inhabitants become rapidly more intensive as we deepen our intuitive and emotional capacity. We first feel ripples and then waves of love and understanding in 5D, deeper and more more powerful than any experienced in the 3rd dimension. As we ascend, all of us understand and love each other more and more. A wave of love and understanding is on the way with 5D ascension, and it will soon engulf us all. Points of emotional encounter multiply – and there is no way to fight it. If we don't become clear about these issues, the possibility of infidelity can actually increase as we move into the 5th dimension.
Ideally, all this emotional energy could be channelled back into one's long-term relationship. But often that does not occur. The new relationship appears more exciting than the older one, home conversations degrade into a series of sarcastic remarks, and thoughts remain fixed on the exciting moments spent with the new love interest. The outside relationship claims increasing mental space and deepens the failures of the long-term relationship.
Infidelity, when it is found out, is often experienced (and scored on systematic tests) as more devastating than any other traumatic experience, such as losing a family member. Many who have gone through the experience of a partner's infidelity were marked for life, and/or they took years to recuperate from their experience. It is not a banal event, and we can leave, unwillingly, psychological carcasses behind us if we engage in infidelity.
So we have ever more important joys of 5D interactions, associated with ever greater possibilities of “emotional infidelity”, which can lead to “physical infidelity”, which in turn can lead to great pain and suffering. How can we resolve this issue?
There is just one solution. Melkiades suggested that I'd be truly handicapped if I didn't learn this as rapidly as possible.
My real understanding of 5th-dimensional love
Here's the key he offered: Outside of the couple, we must never confuse 5D emotion with 3D physical sex!
It's very important to reserve physical relationships exclusively to the couple, and to enjoy 5th dimensionsional relationships outside the couple only at the non-physical level: no kissing, no foot-touching, nothing physical. We must learn to not even think of mixing 5th-dimensional experiences with the physical level outside of long-term relationships.
This not an easy lesson, because it conflicts with hormonal realities. Our hormones yell at us, “when it's this great, head for the bed!” This is a destructive biological program. As we ascend into the realm of 5D love and understanding, we must understand that conflicting 3D hormonal programs are part of the price we pay for living in two dimensions at the same time. Theoretically it would be simpler if we all lived only in 5D, but then we wouldn't have any physical body.
Bring the emotion home
So for most of us, joyful 5D experiences outside the couple should not be confused with physical sexual encounters. These are reserved for our long-term relationships, or possibly, for honest candidates of such long-term relationships. When you apply this principle and protect your long-term physical relationship like a set of crown jewels, all falls into place. You can feel the joys of 5D emotional ping-pong as much as you like, but everyone will know your physical home base. This brings peace and clarity to you and to all those around you.
Then there is one more step: bring the emotion home. When you've had a great time, getting appreciated and being emotionally welcomed by others, let your partner benefit from your experience. Bring the goodwill into your long-term relationship and revive emotions that may have dried up over the years. Rekindle conversations and common projects. Let your partner benefit, like you, from the new 5D ripple. When 5D joy is shared, the couple can be strengthened and a potential estrangement tragedy can turn into a new beginning within the relationship.
Become intelligent and responsible
It can be seen that Melkiades favours sharing 5D joy – prudently – rather than closing oneself off from joyful 5D sharing. This is the opposite of what some psychologists propose. While they suggest that we should erect iron fences around our emotions in order to protect our long-term relationships, Melkiades suggests that we should become intelligent and mature about our emotional and sexual behaviour. Keeping caring, joy, and love far away from ourselves as if it were some kind of plague would not be coherent with our evolutionary path. In ascension, we evolve away from fences and limits towards intelligent and responsible actions. Animals in prisons tend to find ways to escape, and when 5D “ping-pong” is rejected out of fear of “emotional infidelity”, other more devious ways would be found to bring emotional satisfaction – i.e. real, physical infidelity.
Long term there is no use in fighting our intuitions to share joy and understanding with others, and we needn't deny others access to the best sides of our emotional being. But we definitely need to understand our emotional motivations and the limits that we wish to impose on them. That is the key lesson of emotional intelligence and maturity.
It took me about a month to fully understand the logic and reason of this advice from my Higher Self. But now that I have written it down and fully understood the reasoning behind it, it has all become very clear to me. A great relief has come over me and I feel happy and joyful as I continue to internalize this new conception of my emotional world.
Some recent thoughts
The message I derive from these reflections is that conscious effort and patience can pay off, if the basic building blocks are right. Maturing and spiritual ascension develop with the successful passing of rough spots and the application of learned lessons. When we grow and grow together, the shared happiness multiplies, and we begin to build an intuitive understanding of what "love" means. That's a central part of our "ascension" from 3D into 5D.
And a last thought goes to those who are currently suffering in the wake of a divorce or separation brought on by infidelity. We understand the pain, it can be devastating. Over time, try to accept this pain and go through it with full awareness. Coming out on the other side, try not to waste too much energy on anger and frustration. These are ineffectual, self-feeding mechanisms which are a waste of our time and energy. Instead, understand the true depth of your past problems, learn the lessons that you can, then go on to live a better life. New positive experiences will reduce the anger and frustration as time goes by. When the dark days are behind us, bright days return and offer new opportunities to apply our lessons.
Together with millions if not billions of others, I have gone through your experience and I've seen the return of much better days. And so can you.
1 Mark, Kristen P., Janssen, Erick and Milhausen, Robin R. (2011). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: Demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Arch Sex Behav, DOI 10.1007/s10508-011-9771-z. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/publications/PDF/Infidelity%20in%20hetero%20couples.pdf
2 Castleman, Michael (2009). Marital infidelity: How common is it? Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200910/marital-infidelity-how-common-is-it
Melkiades, are you in agreeent with the article as it stands now? Answer: fully agreed. Can I put it on Internet: Answer: fully agreed.
Last revised 31.12.2015
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